Monday, September 5, 2011

Things they don't tell you during training Pt 1

I've been quiet for a while. Part of that is being busy and another part has been constructing some cardinal rules of tram driving. It's a list (so far quite large) of stuff they don't tell you when you're being trained and it's from a driver's perspective, so don't get crabby if you feel left out - you can leave a passengers perspective in the comments section if you feel that way inclined! If you can imagine a conversation between the new recruit and the battle-hardened sergeant in a war movie before the newbie gets killed.

1. There is a strong, positive correlation between passenger loading and the distance from the cabin to the defective door that won't open or close.

2. Accidents and delays will occur during the following periods
(a) On your very last trip before finishing.
(b) On your last trip before lunchtime.
(c) When all that coffee you drank catches up with you.
(d) Right next to the only parked car for miles, causing all those lovely patient cars to remind you of your occupation, instead of reminding them they're tools for driving on tramlines.
(e) The tram in question will be followed by fifteen of the laziest, most stubborn and surly tram drivers who would rather wait for mechanics than get out and see if they can help.
(f) When you have a collision, there will be an overwhelming temptation to snot the passenger who asks how long it will be without even asking if you're ok or offering help. Don't do it.
(g) Hit the brakes to avoid an accident, and passengers will abuse you for stopping too quickly. Vomit in front of them from the shock and they still won't be convinced. Crash, and they'll get stuck into you for making them late.

3. When you need to make up time, traffic will magically appear and every stop will be in demand. When you need to lose time, these same cars and passengers will magically vanish.

4. The smaller the gap between you and the parked car, the faster and riskier they will drive to make it through. And just to prove to the world beyond a reasonable doubt they are morons, only after they risk life and limb will they put their seatbelt on.

5. A line of perfectly patient, waiting cars will be turned into utter chaos as every car behind the appearing tram tries to cut it off. Those cutting in, even faced with an empty lane hundreds of metres long, will still cut the tram off (that has massive blind spots and can't steer) instead of going up further and risking the ire of fellow motorists.

6. The van turning right in front of you will always here your gong perfectly and take it personally. Unlike the taxi speeding past your open doors and narrowly avoiding the alighting passengers whom you were aiming it at.

7. You have not "seen it all".

8. When you make plans for your day off, the depot starter will wake you at 4am begging you to come in and work because all hell's broken loose. When you have no plans at all and are first on the list, everyone will turn up to work, everything will function properly and the phone will remain silent.

9. Everyone turns up to work on a day off and drives the wrong way by mistake. Limit it to once of each, and you won't stand out.

10. The busier the traffic traveling in the more lanes available, the more stupid moves the intending passengers will pull to make the tram.

11. The frequency of the trams will matter not to the suicidal passengers who have to be on THAT tram. The following tram could be one 30 minutes away or right up your clacker - they will run at you like it's life and death (which they make it). Parents will drag their kids through danger as well.

12. When cars stuff you up, you just have to wait it out. When trams stuff up motorists, they sometimes have to be cut out. Remember this.

13. When your tram develops a defect, you will look for the most complicated issue and solution. It's never the case, but you'll waste 10 minutes before you realise this, but so long as you look like you know what you're doing, nobody else knows this little secret.

14. School holidays suck when they're on because we have to try and lose time. They suck when they go back because of more passengers/traffic/angry 4WDs. There is no win.

15. That drunk, with breath like Old Spice, will eventually get up the front and talk to you, the trapped captive audience who now has to pretend to care so as to avoid "angry drunk Old Spice guy", who is nowhere near as cool or verbally proficient as "Old Spice Guy".

16. You will cop abuse from passengers. You might stop the tram to save kids from the burning orphanage, but there'll always be someone who sees past your second-degree burns and demands to know why the tram isn't moving. You can't change this.

17. If someone insults your weight (yes, sitting down all day tends to make you fat), don't ever say it's because their mother/father bakes them cookies after you have intimate relations with her/him. It will only sound awesome to you. The manager and other passengers won't think the same.

18. Passengers will sometimes ask what you consider to be "The Stupidest Questions in the History of Stupid Questions". Now you know how your trainer felt. However unlike you or your trainer, passengers don't spend all day on the trams. Remember this.

19. Passengers running for the tram think you waiting is fantastic. Those already on board think you suck for holding up their trip.

20. Yarra Trams is not responsible for every car accident, truck/bridge crash, burst water main, freeway closure, roadworks delay, wayside collision/fatality or event that can impact a service that uses the middle of the road. Somehow, after over 100 years of electric trams, this concept manages to elude thousands of people.

16 comments:

  1. 21. The longer you have been without an accident, the more petty the accident will be when you do finally have it!

    22. Passenger complaints will never be for the major things, like flipping the bird to a taxi driver who has cut you off, but for the little old lady who got on through the 'hidden' rear door on a Z3 and who you didn't 'sense' needed help with her overloaded and grossly overweight shopping trolly.

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  2. 23. The traffic lights for your tram always turn red when you've just closed the doors to passengers.

    24. Passengers running for your tram always do it when the traffic light is green.

    25. The later your tram is running, the less traffic light priority you get.

    26. Passengers always talk to you while you're driving the tram, even though there are large prominent signs that say "For your safety, do not talk to the driver whilst the tram is in motion."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Passengers who think you can drive through traffic jams and hurl abuse when you can't. Yes you made me late to work whinge whinge!

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  4. In response to point no.8 - avoid the whole issue by submitting a special day report stating (and i quote)- "Until otherwise advised, i am NOT to be contacted for ANY docs or vot."

    Problem solved.

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  7. Well here are a few points I observe of tram drivers.

    1.) The regulator seems to substitute another stick they use for self abuse. Tip when driving a tram try holding it still you twat!

    2.) If the tram driver manages to get you to hit your head on both ends of the tram apparently that is the traffics fault. Not any of lack of any smoothness by the tram driver whatsoever!

    3.) Tram drivers believe the tram is there personal limousine and not only refuse to pick passengers up but are also as snotty and as arrogant as they can be when a passenger needs to alight or board late.

    According to tram drivers all cars speed yet the tram driver utterly refuses to do even a 1/2 of the legal speed limit.

    If a car wish to pass a tram in a place where there is no stop the tram driver will be sure to park parallel the parked car.

    The Tram driver always professes to be the victim! Here are typical Tram driver excuses.
    A. That car cut across me so I had to slam the brakes!

    B. That car cut me off, (any wonder when they refuse to move a speed resembling the speed limit.)

    C. It is not tram drivers fault the passenger fell over!

    D.Passengers are suicidal in trying to catch a tram according to tram driver. But Tram drivers could not possibly be cause in this matter by lacking the courtesy to WAIT whilst they board. People who try to catch trams are forced to use exceptional means because tram drivers don't believe that there job is to transport the general public. And will run a passenger over to avoid transporting them anywhere.

    Part G explains of explains the tram driver in a nutshell. In truth,They are responsible for the safety of the passengers they carry. And as a driver that means THEY ARE IN COMMAND OF THE TRAM AT ALL TIMES!

    Hit the brakes to avoid an accident (VICTIM),
    and passengers will abuse you for stopping too quickly (You deserve it!). Vomit in front of them from the shock and they still won't be convinced (Yes because you may as well be a fucking passenger!).
    Crash, and they'll get stuck into you for making them late. TOO RIGHT THEY SHOULD! YOU FUCKED UP!!!! AND YOU PROCLAIM IT IS NOT YOU FAULT??? HUH!! GET ANOTHER JOB PUSHING A PEN!





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  8. One further point tram driver don't understand the concept of planning or thinking ahead and reading the traffic. they just jerk and slap the regulator according to everything that happened.... 2 minutes ago.

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